Winning and Owning

My friend Nina recently won the lottery recently. Not a $5 million jackpot, but a pretty substantial amount. Even after taxes, she's left with a tidy sum to pay some bills and splurge on some fun. I was so happy for her! And just the teensiest big jealous. But mostly happy. Especially since Nina had just gotten divorced and was in need of some good news.

The weekend she won, we went out to celebrate. I loved seeing Nina sip her large martini and smile-genuinely smile!-with a set of newly whitened teeth. She seemed so happy to be free of her foul ex husband and was on her way to being nearly debt-free.

A week later, the confident woman I went to happy hour with was replaced by a dejected, teary-eyed wreck. And it was all because she found his razor.

Yes, her ex-husband's icky, old Gillete razor hiding under the bathroom sink could reduce my beautiful friend to this state of disarray. "I don't get it," she sobbed. "I gave myself two whole days to cry over him! Why am I still so sad?" She lay face down, sobbing into her (new) set of throw pillows. I stood awkwardly, not quite knowing what to say.

I don't have experience being divorced, or being married for that matter, but I thought Nina was being way too hard on herself. Two days to grieve over the loss of a marriage? No wonder a dull razor could send her into a frantic state. I feel like Nina didn't give herself a chance.

Living as a new-aged woman in control, have we eschewed the idea of being completely broken up over the end of a relationship? Instead of feeling sad and rejected, are we too quick to get hammered and make out with an Australian tourist? Nina didn't go the alcohol-and-promiscuity route (that I know of, anyway) but at the same time, she didn't grieve the end of her marriage. She dove into work and other responsibilities instead of letting herself realize and heal from the loss. And yes, while I agree self-pity doesn't help anyone, there is such a thing as being too stern with yourself. I gently suggested that maybe she was sad because there was no closure, maybe she wasn't ready to move on yet and that was OK. There's no expiration date on sadness.

She looked at me like I said I wanted to poke her in the eye with a sharp stick. "No, I don't want to be that girl!" She spit out with disdain. "No one like the weepy girl!"

Well, yeah. Nina was right. No one wants her to live in misery. However, taking some time to let your feelings run their course can heal. And the idea that I tried to communicate to Nina was that she didn't have to take it all at once. She didn't need to spend months upon months being miserable, like a lump sum payment. She could take it as an annuity. Like the worst lottery prize ever. She could have good days, of course. But when a bad day would pop up that was OK too. Use those bad days to identify your patterns (positive and negative), own your mistakes and figure out what to next time. Or, scream your favorite angry girl song and eat cupcakes.

Whatever helps you win your next jackpot.