Up in the air and all up in my inbox

At one time, I was an online dater. I had some difficulty with finding love on the internet because, surprise surprise, this sparkling personality of mine doesn't always translate so well.

So went the pattern of my online love life: I'd like a guy's profile, flirt via email, become lovestruck while talking on the phone, then we'd meet in person and...nothing. The spark would be gone just like that. I'm sure this speaks to the fact that I was building him up in my mind too much, or that maybe I just wasn't ready for a relationship at the time.

Or maybe I was rebelling against the forced, artificial intimacy that online dating breeds. The daily bombardment of emails from the website, telling me "Congratulations, sarcasticgirl17, you and randomguy14 have been rated as compatible! Why don't you message him now and begin your road to a future together?". Um, ok. It felt at times as if I were in an arranged marriage, and Ematchcupidharmony.com (or whatever) was my pushy parent, hellbent on getting me married off. "Ooh you both like music and food! Your profile shows a strong tendency to breathe oxygen and drink water! You're perfect together!" So I'd find myself reading his profile thinking, "Seriously? He is the outcome of 97 different kinds of compatibility, a strict screening process and a $60 per month membership fee? Him?"

For some people, online dating works and they make successful relationships from the experience. I don't know what they are doing that's different from what I did. I think it's topless profile pictures. Damn, I knew I should have taken those down. Kidding! Those are just on Myspace. It's sluttier there.

I am reminded of online dating because one of the perks (if you can call it that) is the "virtual dating coach". I haven't had an online dating profile in almost a year, but this little treat still finds its way to my inbox. A semi-regular, long-winded email from some supposed "dating guru" who shall remain nameless. I personally think there is no guru, I believe he was a contrived for marketing sake. But that is neither here nor there. His wordy emails come to me with adorable subject lines such as, "What You SHOULD be Looking For in a Man" and "Why Being a YES Person Will Make Men Fall in Love". Ugh. Vomit.

Let's delve a little deeper into these emails, shall we? According to the most recent edition of Wreched Advice Weekly, apparently we ladies create a box that suits our perfect man, and we toss aside men who don't fit into it. Thanks for that revelation! Now maybe explain to me how my shoe laces become untied when you step on them.


This idea, while not shocking, has some merit I suppose. I am reminded of the young executive Natalie (played by Anna Kendrick) from the George Clooney movie "Up in the Air". She's describing the man she'd like to marry, and I don't just mean personality traits. I mean she claims her husband will have a one-syllable name such as Rick and drive an SUV. Specific much?

Yes, of course if you stick to such a rigid ideal, you're going to be let down and possibly stay single forever. Or conversely, you'll settle for the guy who possesses these superficial traits but is lacking, oh I don't know, your view on having children. It's all about priorities. I know that's a cliched blanket-statement but it's true. I'd rather have the simple, laid-back guy who makes me laugh even if he drives a wreck. And I did not need a virtual dating coach to tell me that.