Love Lessons part 4

* you wield more power wearing a sundress than you do wearing a bikini. The girl who gives it all away up front, be it her flesh or her feelings, is boring. As I've said before, a little mystery is attractive. Not to mention it's exhausting trying to constantly outdo yourself. If you're always always always over-the-top, where else do you have to go but down?

*When you're out with a new guy go easy on the booze. This serves two purposes: One, you won't be a swearing/crying/stumbling mess. Let him get to know your charming, sober self before you unleash the gin monster upon him. And ease into it slowly. Let him know you sober many times, tipsy a few times and then if you're comfortable, go ahead and get drunk. That's the formula that works for me. Secondly, you don't really know this guy yet. I hate to get all McGruff the Crime Dog on you, but what if he turns out to be a creeper? You need to be able to get away intact, which is hard to do if you're inebriated. And even if he's not the Zodiac Killer, don't you want a clear headed, beer goggle-free impression of him? I dated a man once that I was on the fence about. I was drunk the first time we kissed and really drunk the first time we had sex. In hindsight, that really should have been a red flag.

*Remember math class? I do, because I hated it. I had some kind of mental block when it came to learning anything involving numbers (except of course, phone numbers. Those I picked up right away.) I was the girl counting on her fingers while taking the SAT's. But one thing that's always stuck with me were fractions. Remember fractions? Finding the lowest common denominator? Well, the phrase "lowest common denominator" can also apply to men. If he has some quality that irks you, play a little math game with me: Assume that the way he is right now is his lowest common denominator. What if this is as [fill in the blank] as he ever gets? Would you still love him, just as he is now? Not when he's more successful or better looking or more affectionate. Just like his is right this second. If the answer is yes, then you know everything is OK. If you can look at him and only see his potential, that might be a problem. You can't love someone for what you want them to be. That's not fair to either of you. And with that, class is dismissed.

Perfect on the outside usually means crazy on the inside.

Longevity has become overrated.
Wait, let me back up: I am related to a couple I absolutely cannot stand. They are codependent, selfish and immature. And that just scratches the surface of their freak-ass dynamic. A few years ago I realized that the less time I spend around them, the healthier I felt. Blood, shmood. Say what you will, but I don't believe in being nice to or spending time with fucked up individuals just because we are "related". People can be toxic, even people with whom you share DNA. Don't believe me? Look at The Jackson family.

Anyways, this couple recently had a wedding anniversary. 27 years. Woo-friggin'-hoo. Mutual friends and acquaintances praised them for staying together all this time, creating a stable home for their child, and similar gold-plated bullshit. Their home life is anything but stable, and while on the outside they may appear to be a "perfect" little family, I know for a fact they are not.

I chose not acknowledge this alleged milestone because Hallmark does not make a card along the lines of, "Congratulations, you've struck a delicate balance between hating each other and being too lazy to get a divorce." Or, "Way to hang in there for almost three decades in hopes of getting your hands on her inheritance! I knew you could do it!" I just don't believe their relationship warrants a reward of any kind. Look, I know marriage is hard and there is no perfect couple. But this? This is a mockery. Living their life doesn't so much deserve a discount at McDonald's.

The critic who lives inside my head admonishes me, saying things like: "You're not married, you don't understand, you're being too judgey..." However, I know the difference between staying in an unhealthy situation for far too long and actually working at a successful partnership. Shit, a retarded one-eyed ferret knows the difference. Staying married to someone who makes you (and those around you) miserably uncomfortable doesn't deserve recognition. Show me the couple who can stay married for five years, while making each other stronger, happier and still in love. That deserves recognition...and at least $1 off a McNugget meal.

Up in the air and all up in my inbox

At one time, I was an online dater. I had some difficulty with finding love on the internet because, surprise surprise, this sparkling personality of mine doesn't always translate so well.

So went the pattern of my online love life: I'd like a guy's profile, flirt via email, become lovestruck while talking on the phone, then we'd meet in person and...nothing. The spark would be gone just like that. I'm sure this speaks to the fact that I was building him up in my mind too much, or that maybe I just wasn't ready for a relationship at the time.

Or maybe I was rebelling against the forced, artificial intimacy that online dating breeds. The daily bombardment of emails from the website, telling me "Congratulations, sarcasticgirl17, you and randomguy14 have been rated as compatible! Why don't you message him now and begin your road to a future together?". Um, ok. It felt at times as if I were in an arranged marriage, and Ematchcupidharmony.com (or whatever) was my pushy parent, hellbent on getting me married off. "Ooh you both like music and food! Your profile shows a strong tendency to breathe oxygen and drink water! You're perfect together!" So I'd find myself reading his profile thinking, "Seriously? He is the outcome of 97 different kinds of compatibility, a strict screening process and a $60 per month membership fee? Him?"

For some people, online dating works and they make successful relationships from the experience. I don't know what they are doing that's different from what I did. I think it's topless profile pictures. Damn, I knew I should have taken those down. Kidding! Those are just on Myspace. It's sluttier there.

I am reminded of online dating because one of the perks (if you can call it that) is the "virtual dating coach". I haven't had an online dating profile in almost a year, but this little treat still finds its way to my inbox. A semi-regular, long-winded email from some supposed "dating guru" who shall remain nameless. I personally think there is no guru, I believe he was a contrived for marketing sake. But that is neither here nor there. His wordy emails come to me with adorable subject lines such as, "What You SHOULD be Looking For in a Man" and "Why Being a YES Person Will Make Men Fall in Love". Ugh. Vomit.

Let's delve a little deeper into these emails, shall we? According to the most recent edition of Wreched Advice Weekly, apparently we ladies create a box that suits our perfect man, and we toss aside men who don't fit into it. Thanks for that revelation! Now maybe explain to me how my shoe laces become untied when you step on them.


This idea, while not shocking, has some merit I suppose. I am reminded of the young executive Natalie (played by Anna Kendrick) from the George Clooney movie "Up in the Air". She's describing the man she'd like to marry, and I don't just mean personality traits. I mean she claims her husband will have a one-syllable name such as Rick and drive an SUV. Specific much?

Yes, of course if you stick to such a rigid ideal, you're going to be let down and possibly stay single forever. Or conversely, you'll settle for the guy who possesses these superficial traits but is lacking, oh I don't know, your view on having children. It's all about priorities. I know that's a cliched blanket-statement but it's true. I'd rather have the simple, laid-back guy who makes me laugh even if he drives a wreck. And I did not need a virtual dating coach to tell me that.