Saying the thing you're not supposed to say, and letting myself off the hook

I'm restless today and just...hungry perhaps? Not for food but just...for something.

I think I know what it is.
I think it's the thing you're not supposed to say when you're a fairly successful young woman, who's life is going along perfectly well, replete with incredible friends and family: I want a relationship, dammit.

I am lonely. Yep, this is the pity-inducing phrase guaranteed to get you either scorn or sympathy. I'd personally rather have the scorn. If one more person lamely tells me that I'll find someone, I'm great, blah barf barf blah, I may stab them.

I know, I know. I think I've more or less got myself together and I am really happy most of the time. I just want someone to share it with.

Confession time: When I see guys that I've dumped end up in relationships it makes me second guess myself, to the tune of Did I dismiss him too quickly? Why didn't he want to go mountain climbing in Portugal when we were together? Does he still have my yellow bra?

On the plus side, I know myself well enough to know that I would never be with someone just for the sake of being in a relationship (OK, I'll never again be with someone just for the sake of being in a relationship). I would rather be lonely than a cliche. I couldn't live with myself if I settled for a unsatisfying life. Too many people settle and that is the source of nothing but unhappiness. Also I never want to get a divorce or end up bitter so maybe its better I'm single.

On a side note, I must say its kind of awesome to reach a point in life where you can safely say, "Hey I don't have to get married!" Growing up, I assumed it was just something that everyone did, like pay taxes or cut their toenails.

As a young girl, I literally cannot ever remember thinking, "Maybe I don't get married. Maybe I stay single." For the first time in my life I know it's something that some people do, and some don't. It is no reflection on the person. Its a choice, an option. One of many options in life. This realization is empowering, no?

Well, yes and no. I still feel that little piece is missing, which brings me back to the thing you're not supposed to say: I want a relationship. I know I have no right to expect to "have it all", whatever that might mean. I have a career, good friends, family, my health, varied interests and an active life. That should be enough. And on paper, yes it is. In the two dimensional, non-feeling world I can say that I am quite fulfilled.

But I miss. There are a million tiny things I miss about being with someone. Oh do I miss.

There lies the weakness, I suppose. Some might think it's weak and a little sad that I miss love, or the prospect of love when I'm single. As far as I've come in life, deep down I still need all that mushy stuff sometimes. Confession #2: As much as I can be a snarky, mean girl I love Love.

And missing romance is one thing, it's actually OK. I welcome love into my life, and will do my best not to mess it up if (when?) I've got it. However it doesn't make or break me. Ever.

From here on out I've officially let myself off the hook. I advise you do the same because it's OK to be single and happy. It's also OK to be single and happy and still hold out hope for a relationship.