Are you a rebound girl?

Besides "lefty loosey, righty tightey" and always boil pasta in a large pot with salted water, life is full of rules that can be bent or downright broken. I propose a rule today that should never be broken.
In the dating world do not ever try to make a relationship with someone who is not over their ex. Yes, I said never. I'm putting on my big-girl pants and throwing around that big, bad adverb.



I expect I might get some emails and texts about how "my best friend's cousin's neighbor met her man the day he got divorced, and they lived happily ever after! So it does happen!"
That's terrific, and I wish them a lifetime of open communication and headboard-denting sex. But I really don't care about you folks right now. Please enjoy another entry while I talk to the rest of us. Those of us who are dating or have dated someone who is still not "over" the ex.

Hard truth time: The scenario of dating someone fresh out of someone else's life will more than likely will not end up happily ever after. It will end with awkward weeping every time Phil Collins plays. That's why I wanted to share some tactics to avoid being the rebound girl.



Example time: Let's say you meet an awesome guy. Just so happens, the guy is fresh out of a relationship, got burned and doesn't hesitate to tell you about it. You stick around being supportive and listening to him rehash what happened. He compliments your long hair, and right as you're graciously ready to thank him for the compliment, he bemoans the fact that his ex kept her locks shorter than short. The final straw? He doesn't go to that ice cream shop because it was her favorite.



Chances are, he's not ready to move on and you should pull away. But you, being the determined girl that you are, won't take no for an answer. Eventually your powers of persuasion convince him that the ice cream shop is safe, it's a fun spot and they make heavenly sundaes. It will be like aversion therapy for him! He can finally move on! So, one warm afternoon he takes you there and you share a milkshake like everything is fine and dandy. You're sitting in the sunshine and you're wearing a dress and simpering like you're in a damn Nicholas Sparks movie, then you turn around and she's there. You're sitting uncomfortably and they're arguing about how he took her there on their eighth date and how dare he desecrate Petunia's Ice Cream Parlor by bringing her (aka uncomfortable me) here! So there I am, sending out an emergency text for someone, anyone, to come pick me up because Petunia's has turned into a war zone and I need to bail.



How can you tell if you're dating someone with baggage and avoid this unfortunate scenario?
Just listen to him. Does he bring her up incessantly, compare the two of you, or badmouth her in front of you? Granted, this person was a huge part of his life. It's conceivable that he might mention her from time to time. Or use her existence as a way to frame his stories and experiences, such as "Yeah, I've been to Denver. Cool place. My former girlfriend went to school there and I visited frequently yada yada yada." This is normal.


And down the road, it may be important to discuss why previous relationships didn't work out so yours can be more successful. This is also normal, and dare I say healthy. Know your patterns, and learn from the past. This shows maturity and a willingness to make your current relationship a success. But in the beginning, it should be about the two of you, not the two of you plus the skeletons in the closet.



So in summary, stay away from a man who's just out of a relationship. Give him time, befriend him, but don't rush into anything. Also, don't ignore your friends when they say they need to be rescued from an ice cream shop or else you're dooming her to one looooong, angry ride home.

Love Lessons part 5

*If you think he's stringing you along, he is. It's as simple as that. Prolonged confusion and misunderstanding only have a place in romantic comedies. Trust me, there will be no montage of you looking all beautiful and forlorn in your trendy loft apartment. When a man is ready to commit you will know it because he will ACT like your boyfriend. He will make plans. He will introduce you to his family and friends. His actions, not his words or your feelings, will show you that he respects you and wants you in his life.

*When I was a kid, I did pinewood derby races with my church. We would get a block of wood, some little plastic wheels and axles. Then, it was up to us (and of course our parents) to construct miniature cars. Then, they'd be judged on design and raced. It was a lot of fun, but of course the fun part was winning a prize. One year I didn't win a single stupid plastic trophy and my frown was glued to my face. My mom tried to console me by saying that at least I got a blue ribbon. Big freakin' deal. Everyone got a blue ribbon! My point is there isn't anything special about the prize everyone gets just for showing up. The same goes for you, girl. And I don't just mean your *ahem* grand prize. I mean your precious time, your pleasant company and other positive qualities. If you dole out the best of yourself to every hobo that comes along, you're devaluing yourself and making it OK for men to use you. Hold back a little, make sure he's quality and deserves you and all of your qualities.

* To quote one of my favorite bands, "men can do terrible things, yes they can." Well, so can women. Men will sleep with you just because they can. Women will sleep with men, hoping to somehow trap them or make them fall in love or some other ill-conceived notion. And yes, ladies I hate to say it but men will sometimes see you as a conquest, something so hot they wanted a piece. Don't take that as a compliment! I'm sure you are a hot piece, but if you want a relationship from this guy, giving your hot piece up is not going to get you there.

If you also just want a hot piece, however, that's a blog for a different time...

Almost everything I love about Fall

Guess what, its September! I love love love me some September. I don't know if it's the fresh air or what, but this time of year just feels like a clean slate. Yes, the calendar year is more than half over, but something about Autumn just says renewal, new beginnings and new opportunity.

Fall is my favorite time of the year, and since this is my blog, I've decided to share a few things I love the most about September, and October and November...

The clothes: Oh, clothes...this might turn into a post unto itself. To me, Fall feels like the New Year's of fashion. Ever since the days of back-to-school shopping, I've thought of Autumn as the time you ruthlessly edit your closet and head to the mall. I remember elementary school, trying to milk the last few days of Summer, still running around in sandals and t-shirts, trying to pick out sweatshirts and thick socks.

However, after a marathon trip to Mervyn's (RIP) or JC Penny's with my mama, suddenly the new pants and sweaters were too much for this budding fashion slave to contend with. So, I used to beg mama to let me wear all my new clothes right away. The caveat? I live in California. We went back to school in August. It was still technically Summer. We don't feel a dramatic swing in temperatures until October, if at all. This led to several days every Fall where I was the girl in the lumpy sweater, quietly perspiring. Now I think I've got the hang of it, and have come to love Fall for the many fashion choices it offers: Sweaters, boots, hats, scarves, and jeans. Its still fun to get dressed up, as opposed to the month of January when your only thought is dressing for warmth.

So, for Fall 2010, here are the pieces I'm lusting after:

*A sparkly dress kind of like this one...
except with shorter sleeves. Elbow-length sleeves look kind of weird on me. How hot would this be with neutral colored accessories (I'd throw on a lightweight scarf, big bag and simple earrings. Minimal makeup and purposefully un-done hair) and tall boots? A grungy-looking brown belt also crossed my mind, but I'd have to play with it a bit. (dress, French Connection).

* Shiny shorts! Ok, I know. Sounds like 1970s gym wear, right? No. Bear with me....

...so pretty right? I love grey, it's probably my favorite neutral. And shorts can be really flattering and ladylike when worn like a skirt. As long as they're well tailored and in a nice fabric, they can even be work wear. I have been on the search for satiny, pewter colored shorts since late Spring. No luck as of yet. I have a perfectly torn red and white tshirt I'd wear tucked into them, and my black menswear-style blazer thrown on to pull the look together...Love. It. I've worn this outfit so so so many times in my head. In my head it's the right blend of low-end yet pretty. Also when I wear this outfit in my head I have cool bangs and my legs are about a mile long. But I digress.

I know the shorts don't work miracles, but they'd look pretty damn cool so keep your eyes peeled for me OK guys? (Shorts, Diane Von Furstenberg

*Onto shoes! I am a hardcore flat wearer. Ballerinas, modified Mary Janes, gladiator sandals (which I feel are over now, big time) and anything else sans heel. Right now, I've got my brown leather ones on. They're very basic, I bought them specifically to run through O'Hare Airport and two years later, I still can't go a week without wearing them. However, I feel the new Oxfords and dance-inspired lace ups could *Gasp!* replace some of my beloved flats. Peep these...

...cool, right? A nice neutral metallic. They look comfy. This type of shoe can fill the ballet flat role, but looks a little fresher and funkier. I'd wear them with a simple skirt-top combo, maybe a vintage vest, and slouchy socks.
Speaking of socks, I'm a lover of fun legwear, especially in the fall/winter months. Riddle me this: How can you get away with a frock in October? Knee socks and a cardigan, duh. check out http://www.sockdreams.com/_pages/index.php. I love this website! Last year in the sock aisle of Target, a random woman told my sister and I about it and for that, I am eternally grateful. (Shoes, found on frugalplanet.com. No designer listed.)

*Shoes, again: I have been hesitant to try the lace-up bootie trend. They remind me too much of Dr. Quinn. Also the grunge trend of my youth where everyone wore hiking boots and combat boots. In case you couldn't tell, I am a 90's kid. Now excuse me while I play Jenga and watch Hangin' with Mr. Cooper.

However, I've found some lace-ups that are more like heels. Heels that went to college, let's say. Like these which I literally gasped over:

IN. LOVE. The color, the mix of leather and velvet, the platform toe. Just everything about them screams, "LOVE ME!".

Except that this particular pair cost more than my rent. So, would someone please please pretty please knock these off already? I'm looking at you, Chinese Laundry. They're so ridiculously pretty, I want to grunge them up a little. I picture these with gray skinny jeans, a vintage t shirt and lots of silver jewelry. I also see a black fringey purse maybe? On a side note, I pretty much hate fringe but I do see that it has a place (albeit very small) in pulling an outfit together. I like to bring texture and visual interest into outfits, and fringe just might be the way to go. We'll see. (Shoes, Fendi)

*Since I wear eyeglasses, I feel they deserve a place on my blog. I'm looking for a geeky everyday pair in brown like these http://www.warbyparker.com/womens-eyewear-finn-eyeglass-frame-light-tortoise?sc=7&category=-107

and a more daring, fun funky pair like these:

These orange, square lunettes are to die for. They've got a lot of personality and might detract from my otherwise boring face on the days I run out of the house without makeup *cough* like every Monday *cough*. (Glasses, Ray-Ban)

While we're discussing fashion, I must mention Vogue’s September Issue. That’s it, that's what it comes down to in the glossy world of fashion magazines. Fashion is my porn, and September Vogue is Playmate of the Year. It's gloriously hefty (several hundred pages. I. Die.), and ripe with trends, ideas, emerging new designers and killer photography. Yes, the issue alone is pricey in my world (I can't even afford the "e" in broke right now) but luckily, the lowly designers I can actually afford to wear (helloooo, H&M!) will be drawing inspiration from the pages of Vogue for months. September Vogue is the gold standard for magazines, hands down. It had a freakin' documentary made about it. Not the magazine itself either. The movie centered around this one issue. Out of twelve issues a year, this issue got its own MOVIE. What's not to love about this magazine?

OK, moving on to non-fashion things to heart about Fall:

Foliage: Leaves everywhere, in different beautiful colors. Bonus points for crunching as many leaves as you can while walking down the street.

Pumpkins: roasted pumpkin seeds, pumpkin patches, pumpkin spice bread, jack-o-lanterns and the rock star of the gourd creations...pumpkin pie! OK, its gotta be pumpkin pie with Cool Whip. But I swear I like the pie too!

Halloween: Candy, costumes, and decorations. Last year, my house was decked out for Halloween in spider webs, spiders, witches, skeletons, pumpkins, ghosts, and about 83 pounds of candy...and we got no trick-or-treaters. I also have no children. I see nothing wrong with this.

The cooler weather: Its not 106 degrees anymore! Thank God! And we get rain for the first time in months. I love rainy days.

My birthday: First week of October. I accept cash and top shelf vodka.

School: Not for me anymore, for kids. Kids are back at school, not running amongst us grown folks as if they belong out in the real world on a Tuesday afternoon. You don’t. You’re 14, go wash your face then go learn something.

Heartier food: crock pot stew, oatmeal, sweet potatoes, home baked goodies, and all those other meals that are just too heavy for the rest of the year. Speaking of food...

Thanksgiving! I absolutely love Thanksgiving. It’s my favorite holiday: It’s not religious so no one gets offended. No one complains or gets self-righteous when you wish them a happy Thanksgiving. No one goes broke exchanging Thanksgiving gifts. It's a simple, American holiday centered around the food, gratitude, and family. Even in my dysfunctional family, Thanksgivings are usually pretty good.

Football: I won't pretend to follow football religiously but honestly, there’s nothing like a few good friends enjoying the game live (be it pro, high school, college, prison, whatever) on a chilly autumn night.

Apples: Picking them, eating them, cooking with them, when apples are in season I’m a happy girl.

That's about it I think, but hopefully this has inspired you to love Fall even a tiny little bit as much as I do.

Winning and Owning

My friend Nina recently won the lottery recently. Not a $5 million jackpot, but a pretty substantial amount. Even after taxes, she's left with a tidy sum to pay some bills and splurge on some fun. I was so happy for her! And just the teensiest big jealous. But mostly happy. Especially since Nina had just gotten divorced and was in need of some good news.

The weekend she won, we went out to celebrate. I loved seeing Nina sip her large martini and smile-genuinely smile!-with a set of newly whitened teeth. She seemed so happy to be free of her foul ex husband and was on her way to being nearly debt-free.

A week later, the confident woman I went to happy hour with was replaced by a dejected, teary-eyed wreck. And it was all because she found his razor.

Yes, her ex-husband's icky, old Gillete razor hiding under the bathroom sink could reduce my beautiful friend to this state of disarray. "I don't get it," she sobbed. "I gave myself two whole days to cry over him! Why am I still so sad?" She lay face down, sobbing into her (new) set of throw pillows. I stood awkwardly, not quite knowing what to say.

I don't have experience being divorced, or being married for that matter, but I thought Nina was being way too hard on herself. Two days to grieve over the loss of a marriage? No wonder a dull razor could send her into a frantic state. I feel like Nina didn't give herself a chance.

Living as a new-aged woman in control, have we eschewed the idea of being completely broken up over the end of a relationship? Instead of feeling sad and rejected, are we too quick to get hammered and make out with an Australian tourist? Nina didn't go the alcohol-and-promiscuity route (that I know of, anyway) but at the same time, she didn't grieve the end of her marriage. She dove into work and other responsibilities instead of letting herself realize and heal from the loss. And yes, while I agree self-pity doesn't help anyone, there is such a thing as being too stern with yourself. I gently suggested that maybe she was sad because there was no closure, maybe she wasn't ready to move on yet and that was OK. There's no expiration date on sadness.

She looked at me like I said I wanted to poke her in the eye with a sharp stick. "No, I don't want to be that girl!" She spit out with disdain. "No one like the weepy girl!"

Well, yeah. Nina was right. No one wants her to live in misery. However, taking some time to let your feelings run their course can heal. And the idea that I tried to communicate to Nina was that she didn't have to take it all at once. She didn't need to spend months upon months being miserable, like a lump sum payment. She could take it as an annuity. Like the worst lottery prize ever. She could have good days, of course. But when a bad day would pop up that was OK too. Use those bad days to identify your patterns (positive and negative), own your mistakes and figure out what to next time. Or, scream your favorite angry girl song and eat cupcakes.

Whatever helps you win your next jackpot.