Offsides

My ex boyfriend J was a huge Denver Broncos fan. Like, bled blue and orange. During our first season together, a new side of him was shown to me. Sitting on the couch on cozy Sunday afternoons, I realized the Broncos weren't just a sports team he happened to like, they were a part of J's life. They seemed to permeate his every thought from draft day through the Superbowl. All conversation seemed to drift back to something team-related. Like when I mentioned I treated myself to a Coach purse for my birthday, he responded with, "Do they have a Mike Shanahan edition? Because, you know, he's the only coach that matters." J really cracked himself up with that one. At the time I thought it was adorable that he was trying to combine my love for Coach with his beloved head coach. Now I realize it was just a terrible pun.

After one particularly devastating loss, J sullenly got up off the couch and walked out the front door. In the middle of November, without a coat. When he returned about an hour later, he said he was so upset he didn't want to be around anyone for awhile. So, he walked down my street and punched a few mailboxes and a brick wall. Over a football game. I was shocked, this was the most I'd ever seen J emote in the six months I'd known him. Why couldn't he be this riled up about anything else? I just didn't understand it.

That night was also the first time J turned me down for sex. After bringing him some ice for his knuckles, I came onto him with my best "C'mere baby, I'll make you forget about the game". I thought I was doing what any good football widow would do, but sadly I was shut out by J worse than Denver was by San Diego. He'd rather wallow in his thoughts of offensive pass interferences and who was on the injured list. Bad call, J. I'm certain I could have made it all better.

Later, I lay awake embarrassed, pissed off and sexually frustrated. I thought about J's one-sided relationship with Denver. Despite what the NFL commercials say, they do not care about him as an individual. The team doesn't care how much their losses hurt him, or how much a win means to him. Every trade weighs on him as if it were a member of his own family being sent away. And the way I see it, Denver couldn't care less. J was just another ESPN viewer, another jersey-buyer. His relationship with the Broncos was totally one-sided. He loved them passionately and what did they give him in return besides heartburn, bruised knuckles and a pouty girlfriend? Nothing. It was a completely one-way love affair.

Romantically speaking, a relationship like the one J had for the Broncos would never work. Or would it? My friend Stacy proudly proclaims that the relationship she has with her significant other is totally one sided, and she loves it. I know her S.O., and I'd have to agree. Not that he's a bad guy or anything, he's a logical, straightforward kind of guy. He's intelligent and can be very kind but he just doesn't try very hard when it comes to the touchy-feely emotional stuff. I dare say he is a little socially awkward.

Stacy, however, is the most gracious person I've ever met. She is bubbly, thoughtful and makes a wonderful first impression on everyone. You just can't help but like her. She has a way of anticipating the needs of everyone around her, especially her man. Her nurturing spirit makes it easy for her to love a challenging S.O. She can decode him, understand him and love him for all of the ways he is different from her. While she mingles and works the room at parties, he is content to chat with one or two friends. In this way, they each get to be themselves.

She's always known he will never be the man to make large romantic gestures, or even remember to say "bless you" when she sneezes. She will always be the bearer of thoughtful gifts and P.D.A. Her birthday cards from him rarely have more than a few words written inside. And for her, that's just fine. She likes doing the work to keep the relationship progressing, and he (apparently) likes being taken along for the ride.

So whether or not a one-sided relationship is successful depends on the needs of the individuals. J was satisfied following his team to the point of obsession. It didn't matter that at the end of every season he had nothing tangible to show for it. And Stacy is content with her man, although it is more a project than a partnership.

I admit that I still don't really understand one-sided relationships. I need give-and-take, to share the burdens and joys of a relationship with him. If I wanted to do all the work myself, I'd just stay single. I do realize that not everyone feels this way though, and I'm happy to cheer them on from the sidelines.