Relationship purgatory

"So, you get it right? Huh babe? He didn't even have a limp. And the cop didn't get it til it was too late! Classic."

Classic my ass, she thinks to herself. I get it OK? I've been watching the same movie as you. In fact, I've seen The Usual Suspects like five times. Did I ask you what just happened? No, I didn't so I don't need your retarded Cliffs Notes version to sum it up for me. You dick. Don't explain the entire plot like I'm an idiot. Is it because I'm a woman? Do I have the glassy-eyed expression of someone who just wasted the last two hours of her life on something too sophisticated and nuanced for her? This movie is like fifteen years old. I know what the fuck happened to Verbal, OK? Also, stop using the word "classic". That's such a tired, overworked adjective. In the case of The Usual Suspects it happens to be true. But stop telling me that everything you happen to like is fucking classic: In-N-Out Burger's Animal Style fries are not Classic. Your smelly basketball shoes making me gag is not hilariously Classic. Overdrawing your bank account is not Classic. I'm usually a pretty forgiving, level-headed chick but this explaining the plot of the movie crap and overuse of cliches makes me want to bury you. With my hands.

As usual, she doesn't say any of this out loud. She instead keeps her composure by taking a huge gulp of wine. "Yeah, I know. I've seen this movie a couple times." He smiles sweetly, satisfied that he's helped her navigate the complicated film and gets up to turn off the DVD player. She shifts uncomfortably on the couch, simultaneously plotting her escape and hating herself for being such a bitch.  
It's not really the movie that's bothering me. Its the fact that I don't want to see him anymore for no good reason. I can't figure out why, he just irritates the living shit out of me.   

This, my friends is relationship purgatory. When you're sitting there with him, thinking that it's not so bad...yet it's also not so good. You might try to convince yourselves that its OK, its worth sticking it out for the sake of getting to know each other better or because you think you have no reason to break up. You search for reasons to stay, and while you may find them, you're still convinced it might be time to leave. You think perhaps you'll stick around, things might get more exciting! Maybe someday you'll find his nasty ass Jordans endearing! 

I say no way. Sticking around because there's no reason not to is not a reason to stay together. Every relationship experiences phases that are dull and that's totally natural. If you're in an otherwise satisfying relationship, a neutral phase is like a tunnel you'll eventually emerge from. You can deal with it for awhile, work on it and move on. You and your significant other might even be stronger for enduring it.

However, if the relationship is new and its already just treading water, this is not a good sign. If you find yourself getting annoyed easily and looking for an escape it might be time to bow out gracefully and guilt-free. Yes, this is not the time for feeling bad for him. Don't let the relationship spectators (your gym friend,  coworker friend, manicurist, whomever) tell you that you were wrong to leave. We all have spectators ready and willing to comment on what happened on why. In this case, go with your gut. Only you can decide when its time to end it. Would you really want him to stay with you if his feelings were only lukewarm? To pretend and put up a front for you until you're drinking coffee and you see "Kobayashi Porcelain Company" on the bottom of the cup and you get the fax that puts it all together but it's too late and-Oh, sorry. I forget I don't write about movies. 

All I'm trying to say is that having no reason to break up is no reason to stay together. Also, Bryan Singer is a genius.


     

Don't Over

I have an acquaintance, let's call her Molly. I'm pretty sure Molly's only flaw is that she's constantly trying to convince the world she has no flaws. You know this girl. This girl never has a hair out of place, never spills on her shirt. She's just always there, perfection never wavering. Unwilling to step outside the neat little comfort zone of equally perfect friends and manageable situations she's built for herself.

In short, Molly is kind of dull. Or maybe I just don't know her well enough to see the "real" her. Either way, Molly was married in an elaborate ceremony this summer. She booked the uber-exclusive venue, hired waiters that could pass as models, the works. From what I've heard from the guests Molly managed to pull off a wedding that was swanky and sophisticated, yet still felt fun and full of love. She looked classically beautiful in her designer dress (which I happen to know cost more than I paid in rent last year). Her groom filled out his tux perfectly. They both shed a few attractive tears at appropriate points in the ceremony.

Even the guests got the memo that this wedding was not to be trifled with. There was no drunk cousin making an embarrassing speech and no friend of the groom's parents sneaking a crystal champagne flute into her purse. In short, all other weddings will pale in comparison to this bridal-magazine-perfect wedding. If you were planning on getting hitched any time soon, you might as well call it off because Molly's wedding will taunt the shit out of your low budget mess of a wedding until it's an insecure wreck, lying in the fetal position and crying its eyes out in the middle of David's Bridal surrounded by dye-to-match shoes. The message I hope you're getting here is that unless you are Kate Middleton, your wedding will be tacky as hell compared to Molly's.

And what's the icing on three-tiered cake? She's going on the perfect honeymoon: two weeks in some island paradise. I don't know exactly which island paradise, because I believe she's so perfect she would just so happen to have a relative in the island development industry (that's a real job, right?) who is delighted to have a private island built just for the happy couple to celebrate their honeymoon. This island is so exclusive its not even named yet. 

However, I was intrigued while chatting with Molly today and she mentioned a "do-over" ceremony. What is that, you ask? Well get this: while on her honeymoon, Miss Perfect Wedding All Time Champion wants ANOTHER ceremony. Being the mouthy broad concerned friend that I am, I piped up and asked; "Why in God's name would you think you need another wedding? Your first one was freakishly perfect. I heard an orchid didn't even wilt all day."

Molly nodded in agreement. "It was beautiful. But, like, I had bridesmaid drama and my Dad was freaking out about the amount of money we spent. And, well I just want one day to say my vows completely sincerely without worrying about other stuff. Just he and I, on the beach. It sounds so romantic!"  

My bullshit meter must have been beeping pretty loudly because Molly looked at me, wounded. Her halfhearted explanation just wasn't ringing true with me and she knew it.

"You think it's stupid, don't you?"

No shit, I think. But what I say out loud is: "Well, maybe not stupid just...um, I don't know. I'm not in the bridal mindset, so maybe I just don't see what you mean by a 'do-over'." We left it at that, and are still pleasant acquaintances. However, the idea of this do-over wedding is still odd to me. 

I know for a fact that Molly planned every intricate detail of her wedding down to the toenail polish the flower girl wore (I believe it was a lovely shade of pink called "Micromanager Molly"). If at any time she wanted a beach wedding it could have been made possible. Hypothetically, if you were desperate for a beach wedding but it was too cold or too expensive or otherwise too impossible, do a vow renewal in 5 years or something. Believe me when I say the ocean is not what this is about. This is simply buyer's remorse.

A year ago when she started planning, Molly thought wanted the lush garden wedding at the country club, surrounded by 200 guests and written up in her hometown newspaper. All of this she got, and then some. But now the shiny new bride feeling has worn off and the wedding didn't fulfill her wildest fantasies. So what's a girl to do? If you're Molly, you up and decide that you wants the intimate, wind-swept tropical ceremony. And damned if you don't get what you decide you want.

I get it, honey. You paid a lot of money for something and were disappointed at the outcome. It can happen to anyone who's made a major purchase. You sit behind the wheel of your brand-new Mustang and fell all smug until you see the latest Camaro drive by. Then you're cursing and comparing and feeling really stupid. But do we all run off to the car dealer and trade in the Pony? Usually not. We're stuck with a loan and whatever we have to drive. Weddings, I'm told, function a bit differently. If you have the money, the time and a willing groom, you can have multiple kinds of weddings. It's like keeping the Ford but still getting the Chevy. 

If that's all it boils down to, fine. Throw another party. Who am I to judge? But what still bothers me about the whole situation is Molly trying to convince me (or maybe herself?) that the first one was somehow not good enough and she was unable to say her vows "completely sincerely". If she didn't really mean her vows on her wedding day due to family and bridesmaid drama, why say them at all? As I mentioned before, I know I'm not a bride but come on. You're committing to this man for the rest of your life. I would hope that all other distractions would just fade into white noise during the most important moment, on one of the most important days of your life. But no, Molly couldn't stop thinking about centerpieces or some crap. That to me is very sad. For the groom I mean. Will he always come second to calla lilies and tea lights?