Sometimes it is me, but not this time. It's you.

Of all the dating cliches, the nice guy myth is one that irks me most.

No, I don't mean that they don't exist. I don't believe that. Saying nice guys don't exist is a tired-ass complaint of women who have been on too many bad dates and/or made too many bad decisions. Sorry, ladies but you're just on a bad guy streak. Or, maybe you have some other dysfunctional dating pattern you need to examine. That's not what irks me today.

Today, it's the old adage that "nice guys finish last" or that girls always dump the nice guy. Why do we think this? Why do so many guys have themselves convinced that they're nice guys who were blind sided by a break up for no good reason? Are women really only attracted to assholes and leave the good guys in the gutter?
I disagree with that. I have 3 reasons why supposedly "good guys" get dumped.

THE FENCESITTER:

The first reason is that he's not that nice, but isn't that mean. He's so here-then-gone, I call him Fencesitter. He's just average but has been rewarded for his adequacy so often he doesn't feel the need to exert any effort. He doesn’t necessarily do things like kick puppies but he might eat the last marshmallow without offering it to you first. This a very serious offence in my mind, because marshmallows are little puffs of sticky perfection coated in powdered happiness. If he takes the last bit of sugary gladness without asking me first, we are fighting. This is not negotiable! Moving on…

Fencesitter is like the C-student in dating school. Average. Middle of the pack. He probably could be an A student but just doesn’t put out the extra effort. When he and his girl break up, for any reason, his friends will tell him that it must be her fault. She’s evil and crazy for breaking up with him. How could she leave someone who’s “such a nice guy”? Well I ask, how the hell would they know? These chatty friends and relatives weren’t in the relationship. They weren’t subjected to a marshmallowless existence. However, Fencesitter has heard this tired “you’re so nice” line enough times to think his behavior is grand. He can keep doing as he’s doing. Reinforcing his behavior validates him, and before you know it he looks in the mirror and sees prince charming on a white horse. All we see is a jackass in a white Honda who makes you pay for dinner on your own birthday.

ONE NOTE:

The next reason girls don't stay with otherwise nice guys is because maybe that's all he has to offer. Let’s call him One Note because that’s all he plays. He’s not interesting; he’s not witty or exciting. The niceness is all he’s known for. And while that accounts for a lot, it doesn’t lend itself to fun dates or stimulating conversation. Come on guys, bring something to the table! I for one need someone to challenge me, make me want to know more, experience more and do more with life. Of course, he should be pleasant while we do these things, but he better bring me more than one note when I plan on delivering a face-melting guitar riff, so to speak.

One Note guy can be easily identified by his inability to ask follow-up questions to things you say and general discomfort when you stray from his chosen topic. For example:



One Note: I really like potatoes. They are a vital part of the ecosystem in farming communities around the world.


You: Oh yeah, me too. I used to visit my grandpa’s potato farm in Jamaica when I was a kid. Have you ever traveled to the islands?


One Note: *cough and uncomfortable silence*.


See? Not mean, and not lazy, just…blank. If you have nothing to offer, I don’t have anything to give. Check please.

DOUGH BOY:

The last guy isn’t that nice. OK, maybe he is, maybe he isn’t. Maybe you don’t know him well enough to decide yet. You just need to blow him off and fast. His niceness hasn't really registered on your radar but that's not something you want to tell him so you throw out some platitude such as, “you’re nice and all, but I just don’t see this working out”. Let’s call this guy Dough Boy. I’ve made pie from scratch before, and that dough shit is tricky to handle. You’ve got to be gentle. You've got to work it just enough or else it's useless. With guys, that caution oftentimes translates into telling him how nice he is, even if you have absolutely nothing to back up that statement. If we're being honest with ourselves, doesn't it seem like we're mostly doing this for OUR benefit, not theirs? We want to make sure we come off like an angel, even while dumping him. That's not fair to anyone involved. Ladies, he’s not made of uncooked pie crust. You don’t have to baby him. Don’t just run around, throwing empty compliments. It makes you look shallow and insincere. Be respectful and polite, but not dishonest.