Deja-Eww....

If you were to ask her what she's looking for in life, she'd likely say a fairytale ending. This is of course a joke because a fairytale never starts out with a nice little dark haired girl who has too much to drink and randomly hooks up with strangers- sometimes just once, sometimes over and over again. That is no fairytale. It's not even an entertaining premise, especially because it has the same ending. Always, shockingly, as the credits roll...he's gone, she's alone. Its like a terrible sensation of Deja Vu, and yet she doesn't know how to break the pattern. Or does she?

Let's take a peek inside one evening in particular:

He's far from a stranger. He's a boy she's known for awhile but hasn't seen in a few years. And yes, the years have been good to him. He's really cute, charming even. However, he's still arrogant, ignorant and not at all boyfriend material. So, she says to herself: "Little Dark Haired Girl, no. Don't even think it."

So what follows promises to be a casual, fun evening among friends that will include bitching about exes and life after college. As they get ready to leave, they exchange sarcastic comments about the douchebags they're sure to encounter at the local bars and how there are never any cabs in this city. Totally platonic at first.

The flirting starts innocently and easily, no big deal. A certain amount of flirting exists between men and women in these kinds of situations, right? Along the way, she (AKA the Little Dark Haired Girl AKA LDHG) starts to get the impression that he is into her, albeit superficially. He's said he has nooooo intention of having a relationship right now(but hey, neither does she right now, so where's the harm?) So LDHG promises herself yet again that this WILL NOT turn into a random hookup. So what if this man and our heroine have always had palpable sexual chemistry but have never acted on these feelings? So what if he is attractive and clearly attracted to her? These feelings need not be acted on. Armed with this knowledge we head out into the evening.

As the night grows darker, the gin feels warmer. His eyes and hands end up all over her. Our heroine is powerless against her only known weaknesses: alcohol and attention. It's effects are almost immediate.

Here, before our eyes, LDHG morphs into Random Hookup Girl. It's like a disgusting alter ego she just can't seem to shed. A rejected comic book character that has left her cape on too many dingy floors. Tonight, unfortunately, will be no different.

It's not something she's proud of, It just happens so easily. Of course she knows you can't keep repeating the same behavior and expect different results but yet it still happens. Sometimes its just a mold you fit into so easily its uncomfortable to consider acting differently. And what would "acting differently" entail? That would be meeting a nice man who sees her for MORE than just sex. They would slowly get to know each other, she would be successful in keeping some mystery, while letting him in but not TOO much. Then she'd find out he is also sensitive and funny, incredibly sexy, and intelligent and responsible, thereby bringing out the best in LDHG that she knows she can be, the LDHG that is capable of being charming and beautiful and witty and a great cook that his mother adores and his friends say fits right into the group. Then LDHG and her dream prince could ride off on a unicorn thought a rainbow, because it all sounds like a fantasy, doesn't it?

Half of my brain says no it's not, it will all come together that way one day, when it's right and it's supposed to....and another half says nope, fantasy. Get used to having your dreams brutally crushed. Which side is right? I wish I knew.

Basically, here's what I've learned in a nutshell: In order for a man to see me for more than just sex, I need to see MYSELF as more than just a piece of ass. The revelation is, when you act worthless (subconsiously or not) that's how you are perceived and thus, treated. But I know that I have something to offer besides my body. Every woman does. THOSE are the qualities we need to cultivate and present to the world. Then ask myself, who is worthy of getting the best parts of me? I'll tell you who: A man who won't exploit those qualities but cherishes me for it!